Looking back on the last 11 years of my life it just showed me that nothing I have lost or gone from my life will ever come back. because I lost it systemically. I lost my self-worth for so long and it was the only thing I dare to say I gained it back and locked it inside.
I lost all my friends and was filled with lots of scars from betrayals for such a long period to a level that I don't believe in Friendship anymore, I may believe in the common interest, and I may believe that there are levels to human bad and aggressive behavior based on the way he is raised and the level of his education, I may believe in mutual respect, yet it's very bad to feel this bad when someone calls me a friend or my friend in a such primitive and tribal community where everything is working only based on relations and friendships.
As for Love I rather believe in respect than Love cause respect means Love in a normal environment not in a bad environment and I feel kindness and honesty breed love regardless of background in normal humans. I also believe in sexual attraction but it seems to be playing less and less role here as I am feeling castrated in all aspects of the word in my country, emotionally, socially, and physically.
something I really hate about myself now is that I gained the power to leave everything and never look back in less than 5 minutes, especially regarding Human relations because I don't believe anymore that humans are born good or that they really love to do good deeds unless for social love of appearances.
For a long time, I lost belief in Divine justice or Divine being and started going toward Darwin's theory, yet there is a strange sweetness in having God believe in your heart and if I know something for sure is that there is nothing stable in life everything is changing and if the laws of physics were proven to be mistaken with each new scientific theory and new horizons like in the quantum computers and relativity theory, who dare to say that Darwin theory was all true. and actually, if I had to choose between living my life as if there is no God and in the end discovering that there is and living my life as if there is a God and in the end discovering after death that there isn't...I will choose the second Choice without hesitation .. simple logic of human behavior and feelings. Yet the main difference in my belief is that I totally believe in critical thinking and science power to create better earth and the future, but I don't believe in the good in humans that can make it work. I think what I wrote is neither accepted by Darwin's fans nor by religious enthusiastic, yet I always was alone in my opinions and alone in my decisions so it's ok.
A lot of times now I think what's the point of publishing your opinion on some journal no one will see.
I will see, and I Don't care if people who see it can do more damage based on my personality analysis I think most of the real damage has been already done so there is nothing left to be afraid of by expressing your opinions.
I think my brain in the last decade has been programmed unwillingly to expect the worst-case scenario when things go bad ..but the irony is that most of the time calculating for the worst-case scenario was the thing that saved me from really bad situations that I was totally alone in with no direct information what so ever to act correctly. let's just say I rather calculate for the worse and be mistaken than not take any action or plan and the worst really happened. call it dark realistic.
Although I am deeply injured by everything that reminds me of this country yet I feel really well most of the time in the comfort of my house with my family with food and money and a roof over my head.
I don't mind it actually I really see it as a really good life yet, I become maybe annoyed when I see asshols with no background whatsoever and don't have 4 percent of the character or thinking that I have and never encountered anything from what I encountered in the last 15 years and everyone around me tries to push them up and up maybe just to annoy me while really doing Huge effort under the table to break me or put me down in an indirect way even socially ..some people may call this jealousy ..I don't call it this way as long I am condemned to Die socially ..physically and mentally intentionally indirectly.. I don't call it Jealousy I call it a prison with no walls with a really bad (prison keeper) ..(the thing I dislike the most about everything that reminded me of this country and people for the last 10 years). and try to be smartass or make me feel inferior ... it's not that I feel inferior yet I feel if it wasn't of my birthplace and roots and all the terribly aggressive and passive-aggressive people from both sides and all sides I encountered while I was trying to build my life I would have been in a much better place surrounded by real honest people loving people with real human relations and future or let's say have a real life.
17/7/2021
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