List of one wish

one of the worst things I hate about myself now, after all this isolation, Betrayals, hate, and out-casting I felt everywhere I went in the last 11 years from Syrians and their communities regardless if they support the government or were the opposition, regardless of their religious sector most of them tried to make me feel this feelings in the same way. The feeling that led me now to feel that I owe nothing to this country and its people and I don't have a single atom of belonging to them....I really hate this feeling ...it makes me feel homeless without a home I can someday miss or remember .... it's killing me inside....everything else which happened  by foreigners or strangers it seems I can overcome easily and even when they were bad I just try to remember the good things especially with non-Syrians....  to be honest, my only wish in my life now is to achieve the true wish of all the people from this country that tried to make me feel outcasted and hated and worthless and crazy and delusional and even almost killed me in their undeclared effort in the last decade....to achieve their wish and leave and have no roots in this country not so ever and be really outcasted by Syria to really far place...to erase all my Syrian identity and relations(non is left actually but to erase the chance of making such a mistake again) in a place far away from here and never look back and continue my life and have a good ...very good happy life with real honest humans, somewhere else I don't care if they monitor me 24 /7 as long as I can be away from here and have the basics rights of Job, education, healthcare, and a roof over my head and no interfering in the way I try to build my broken life  as long as I follow the law...you know I will be almost 40 in  three years, even my family and mother the people who need me the most asking me to do this. It looks like a science fiction wish, but it is the only thing I can now think about .......I think this can be my ultimate revenge plan. To continue to build my life and live happily where I belong ....Maybe it sounds Wrong but it feels so good to just think it can happen one day.....cause I ran of solutions actually, and as maybe 90 % of the men in this country are not willing to be a block of wood for a fire that is obvious that it is made by some people for their narrow self-interests.......sometimes when I see the situation now regardless if like this place or not... and regardless if I like my people or not it's a shame that the best men and youth of this country died and been lost in this cheap way for nothing, I don't think that anyone can say now after all this humiliation of the people that those men have lost their life for the country, I don't believe anyone believes that, even the people in the highest places. 

I doubt that I will be able to achieve my wish of one list...to continue my life happily somewhere else yet I really don't care, at least there is one thing left inside of me that I hope for or feel happy when I think about alone away from all this shit, All other true wishes no matter how small they are been killed systemically by Syrians...

I know in terms of psychology this look like depression symptoms, but actually, it's just a normal result for interfering in any relationship I try to build either with man or women and blame it on my character by some kind of divine power in this country,, in the bad types of human personalities after the war I deal with, a normal result to feeling like in a prison without bars which were made by authorities and the fear of having any type of human normal relationship or feeling that can be used by the authorities of this country to break anything human in me,  I can now say that they are directly monitoring and enjoying what is happening to me if not directly using their soft power to break me.

So it's not depression more than evaluating my real options in this prison without bars,,, I  always expect the worse in this country.  it seems I developed a complex of not trusting Syrians especially from my own sector and my hometown ... ...it seems I can trust animals more than I can trust humans in this country, and feel more good dealing with a cat for several hours than I am feeling with any human in here....and I proved that by my actions in the last 3 years.

being mistaken in my opinion after all the mistakes done in this country by all the high and low monarchy families for the last 10 years means nothing .... so I am just expressing an opinion which may be a mistake but it's very true inside of me.....

 I know why I write here ...I am certain that someone will see it,, maybe really bad people will see it ...but I hope to have at least one person who is good and can help by reading this ...cause I know someplace in this wide world outside of this country (no matter how much some people in this country, especially between Alawi, tried to make me feel hated or outcasted) that I am deeply loved by someone.

The red pill and the blue pill

Have you ever wished you were dreaming? Have you ever thought you were in a nightmare and you don't seem to be able to wake up? Have you ever wished after reviewing the last couple of years in your life no matter the accomplishments that it was all a bad dream and currently you can't stop this nightmare anymore.

Have you ever wished you were wrong...that you were terribly wrong but the sad truth is you were right..

Sometimes we can't handle the truth....even if we want it, and this isolation from the real men world, and my injury and the way it's used against me makes it harder to handle. Let's be clear my definition of a real man is different from current standards in my country.

So have I taken the Red pill, I think that I had yet the problem is:

1- I have taken it without me being asked and with no Morpheus in sight and no manual.

2- Alot of people (50%) I meet have also taken it but with their own consent with the information that makes them act correctly based on their selfish interest.

3- It seems there is an anti-Morpheus in this version and he is not a Virus but another real human. yet Mr. Smith exists also. How ironic. 

4- I keep improvisation, yet there is a limit to one human capability and I think I have crossed it a long time ago and it seems that there is even a pattern in improvisation.  

5- For a long time I was labeled as the bad guy even when I didn't know what was happening at that time, yet I always liked the anti-hero stories..^^.. the bad guy who act sometimes good with no particular reason ....

Any way 

As you see it's like a bad version of the movie the matrix ... a really bad version, the Syrian version.   

Death

One of the things that are currently pushing me to write in this unknown blog about my ideas is the clarity of the meaning of death in my head.

In the last couple of years even if no one knew or noticed or no one said to me it's good to see you alive, I was several times close to death. I had a few really dangerous experiences while I was abroad yet the last two years took that to a new level so maybe I am writing all of this just to make a journal about the way I think in case something happened.

Understanding the certain end of all humans gives you some kind of clarity about a lot of things, at least it gives you the power to act accordingly when you are in control of your feelings.

I experienced death several times in my life with close people and one thing was common with all of them. I wished I have said a lot of things while they were alive and close to me. 

Yet the death of people you love always open your eyes to one particular fact, (I came with nothing to this world except for my soul, and when I will leave I will take nothing with me so if you don't have children or family after you and you don't care about the fake compliments of others about some accomplishments there is no point of gathering money or real-estates or anything cause you will not take anything with you when you die, and although all of us hope for a proper burial but losing the friendship and relationships with a lot of people in the last 10 years made me come to the conclusion that there is no need for good words after you die if you didn't feel it while you were alive regardless if it was honest or not because I will not hear it. I just hope that it will have the lowest impact and sadness on the people I truly love like my mother and sister and they can remember me in a good way.

I have never seen a man in history who lived forever except in the hearts of the people who really were close and loved him. Those people who never judged him and loved him with all of his inferiorities and unperfections. In all his states and conditions. I think when you think about it this way things become clear and from my own experience although the distance can divide these hearts it can never separate their hearts in a strange way especially family members, and although  I don't belive in supernatural phenomena, but there is something connecting the human hearts in the eather and I read a lot about that for some of the most well-known writers. 

Thinking about death for one minute in the day change all of your perspective about life and as Chris De Burgh who I am currently listening to, "it's strange how some people can see the wisdom in a war", maybe because in the war we are very close to death, which can change humans perception and reveal the animal nature in them. 

Although I don't like the idea of us waiting for the after-death life to go to heaven and I don't understand why people should put all of their life on hold just to wait for the grim reaper to take their life maybe to heaven or hell, but I can totally relate to the idea of not caring about expensive possesions for material goods(although I like them ^^) and I can't believe that a community may advance by preparing for death yet it may become wiser if this community accepted death. I have read in my life a lot about this matter yet one of the things that I heard so many times was the poem of (If) by RUDYARD KIPLING. 

Somehow it just kept me going for a long time after my energy have been drained out and gave me a sense of the real important things in life and if you added the acceptance of Death as the inevitable end of man it becomes a ridiculously very strong spell ^^. Maybe because when I started listening and reading it I was hopelessly in need for a father figure and doing some things in this poem was hard as hell sometimes. I will close this writing with the poem I think there is nothing left to say after reading it:

                    =============================================

If you can keep your head when all about you   

    Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,   

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

    But make allowance for their doubting too;   

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

    Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,

Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,

    And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;   

    If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;   

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

    And treat those two impostors just the same;   

If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken

    Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,

    And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

    And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings

    And never breathe a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

    To serve your turn long after they are gone,   

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

    Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,   

    Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,

    If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

    With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,   

Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,   

    And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son! 

                 ================================

18/7/2021

About the chosen by God, the children of God and slaves of God

one of the most things I get criticized for is the strange unusual ideas that come to me mind which wonder sometimes about the information that he gathers about the history of humankind.
one of the things that really affected my way of thinking along long time ago and never had the courage to speak about it to people was the strange notice I see in monotheism religion.
- The first religion in the monotheism religion was Judaism, and one of the most fundamentalist ideas in ancient Judaism was the idea and I quote from Wikipedia:
"In Judaism, "chosenness" is the belief that the Jews, via descent from the ancient Israelites, are the chosen people, i.e. selected to be in a covenant with God. The idea of the Israelites being chosen by God is found most directly in the Book of Deuteronomy as the verb baḥar (בָּחַ֣ר (Hebrew)), and is alluded to elsewhere in the Hebrew Bible using other terms such as "holy people"" end quote.
Jewish liturgy and is expressed in many passages of Scripture, as for example: “For you are a people holy to the Lord your God, and the Lord has chosen you to be a people of his own possession, out of all the nations that are on the face of the earth” (Deut. 14:2). The term chosen people is a free translation of the biblical terms ʿam segullah (“treasure people”) and ʿam nahallah (“heritage people”).



- In Christianity the idea of being the children of God, or in another word the children of the Father is the main idea currently dominating the Christian community in all of its sectors and i quote also from genesis answers website :
"In an amazing display of His love and mercy, the Father is pleased to make us His children.
Behold what manner of love the Father has bestowed on us, that we should be called children of God! (1 John 3:1)"
God’s love for us is the reason He created mankind in the first place; He gave life to the first man, and thus, became the true Father of the human race. Then, although God clearly warned that the penalty for rebellion is death (Genesis 2:17), Adam and Eve chose to sin—they denied God’s position as their Father and brought themselves (and all mankind, their descendants) under God’s righteous judgment.
- Muslims on the other hand as the last monotheism religion had a very different approach.
Chapter (19) sūrat maryam (Mary)


The direct translation to this is :
He spake: Lo! I am the slave of Allah. He hath given me the Scripture and hath appointed me a Prophet,
of course, I am a native Arabic speaker and even if the other translation says that i am a servent an Arabic native can easily understand the difference in language between slave and servent ( عبد و خادم)
of course, I am just making the point that why all of our religious teachers in the Arabic world never indicated this and the difference in the unconscious mind programming between the three religious.
I lived for a long time with a big belief in my heart and I used to pray for a long time and read a lot of prayers that revolve around this idea and never been anyone by it. Actually although now I really don't like the word slave as it is against everything I believe in, yet one of the most beloved names to my heart in Islam is currently (Abd allah= slave of God) which is a widely known name in Islamic culture and I doubt any of the people who have this name ever thought it about it this way unless they were bullied.
Any way although all of this big difference in the main way of thinking its an irony to notice that slavery was widely practiced in Islam, Christianity, and Judaism in ancient times, and had lots of laws approved by ministers and church, and heads of religious sectors in some time of the history of each religious based on their own religious evolution. Yet the people who have been enslaved for a long time of their history and had a lot of hardship in this matter particularly were the ones called the chosen ones by God. The Jewish people. Their history talks a lot about the first enslavement of their people and the second enslavement ..and the holocaust ..and was persecuted for thousands of years and although some of them use that to justify wrong deeds toward Palastinenian in Palestine now which is of course not accepted, yet there is something terribly wrong with this picture and the flow of history ..Am I the only person seeing this.
That doesn't change the fact that Jewish peopel are now one of the most sofisticated, smart, and rich people in the world.
I am not too much into religion now, actually I hardly ever pray although I used to, and I still believe in God but when I see the way religion is used to separate and control people now I know that most of the heritage of the real Prophets of our history in this area has been lost and lost its true essence and Values. I am not criticizing any of the above but based on my experience with a lot of sectors and religions and a lot of bad experiences I found it really hard to hate someone or feel superior to him based on his beliefs only. I come from a minority yet sometimes I feel I reached a point that I am more biased toward my minority because of a lot of bad deeds by some people in it more than I have any bias toward any other belief.
of course, I will come back to this subject sometime in the future and I know my words here doesn't worth a lot yet I am currently in the mood of writing maybe because it's a holiday and close to some holy days in a very difficult time in my area. and I want to practice writing English more it has been some time.

18/7/2021

About the time women rights on Erath started to decline

I will write now about some facts which are proven by historians and I will quote from the book Ashtar by Firas al Sawah.

The legends of the Amazons women and having similar stories in different cultures is an indication of the big male conversion and assuring the right of the father instead of the mother in early societies and the early women effort to refuse her being turned into slaves by men. (from the book Religion and Mother rights)

one of the first historic stories about the change in balance in history was the greek story about the creation of the city Athina.

"In the morning of one day, the people of Athena before it was called this way woke up and saw a big Olive tree in the middle of the city which has grown in one night. and next to it there was a big fountain of pure water which erupted from the earth. so the King of the city send for the temple to ask about this secret and the temple answered that the Olive tree represents Goddess Athena and the water fountain represents the God Poseidon and these two Gods are asking the city people to choose between the two names  Poseidon, god of the seas, and Athena, goddess of wisdom for the city.

of course women choose Athena and men choose Poseidon but women in that time were more than men so the city was called Athena. and when Poseidon heard what the city people did he become very angry and sent saltwater to the farming lands of Athena which prevented the people from farming and most of the land was put to waste and so the men to make the God Poseidon less angry made three penalties on the women in the city:

1- They will not have the right to vote anymore.

2- Children will not be registered or being considered from the family of the mother but are related to the name of the family of the Father.

3- Women will no longer hold the title of Athens women only men can hold that title.

I don't know the historic credibility of this story but one of the things we notice in this legend is the importance and symbolism of the Olive tree from the time of old Gods' legends in the Mediterranean.

the other thing is when was the first time women rights was taken away like the right of Voting based on the religious and superstitious believes at that time which indicates that women had full rights before that date.

this can lead us to understand the current women revolution around the world even if it is somehow taking a different and wrong direction toward creating new symbolism of God after the catholic Christian male revolution against women rights in the dark ages.

At the end, although on a personal and sexual level women are stronger and less affected by sex needs than men, and as Napoleon said"' the woman that shakes her child cradle by her right arm can shake the world with her left arm", yet most of the time in our age we see women are used as a commercial commodity that makes men spend hours in looking at them and to commercials the beauty they have and I am one of those men who become fascinated by women beauty especially that I am single instead of understanding the way they think or looking at there intellectual production, yet some times I feel that I was really mistreated by some women maybe that is why I become not so open in my opinions about women rights.. maybe because most of the women I met not all proved that I was very mistaken in giving them extra respect and love so I started to become silent and let them do their thing alone away from me.  ..but for a man to think in Visual way is normal  because men structural and visual interaction with female appearance is different from the way women brain are wired and the way she sees man, and a lot of women allow themself to be used in  a way that can be very offending toward other men, as we know they are the oldest weapon used against men in the game of power from old history times, but I hardly think at this age that woman can allow this without her consent and full approval ...which lead us to the current world state .. where are we going,  are we going toward bigger clashes between the two genders?? or toward a community that truly believe in equality for men and women... I don't think that we are heading toward a gender equality society because the acts of few can make the aftermath on the psychology of the most secular believer in this matter tend to become far left-wing.

Either way, I am sitting in my house thinking about these things because I am not allowed to do anything else in here and frankly I started not to give a F... as long as my family is ok, I think it is somehow a human survival skill, and most of the people I met in this country, men and women, have proven they are not worthy of fighting for ...as I said before, let them solve their problems by themself the way they left to wither here alone time after another while everyone is watching and silent, one day I will go out ...even if it is after a long time and I will never look back. 

18/7/2021

In the comfort of my undeclared prison

I remember when someone first advised me of the book searching for meaning in life by Victor Frankl more than 2 years ago, did he know that things are going to become this bad..maybe not yet in that time I found it strange to be advised about a book regarding prison life. it seemed I was the only one with so little information about what is happening in my life, and it seems everyone in my hometown had sold me a long time ago before I even realize what was happening. was I this naive or was it that I was in a community and situation that allowed me to be fuckedup before I realize why.

you know the Why question is the most important question and if you don't know the why of something most of the time you can't act in the correct way. 

I think I know the why now although I am totally convinced that it was something I had no part in and was framed for it without even having to know...Funny isn't it. 

The most important thing is I feel that the worst-case scenario didn't happen ...and I just end up losing some fake relations and money and maybe some fake reputation in a fake community with one of the fakest values after the war. And the real damage that was personally designed for me and my family didn't happen which made some really powerful assholls really angry and Furious. 

let us just say that the evil that was surrounding me in the last 3 years wasn't satisfied, and this is something to worry about. I don't know why but I understand the way evil thinks and plans very well, maybe because I am in peace with my dark side or come to accept and hold my Yin. which is something we hardly read or understand in the middle east and monotheism religions.

This concept of ( Yin and Yang ) which is very rooted in East Asian culture and heritage, and is represented in most famous dramas and Japanese anime. the two faces of one man, the two faces of one coin, the good, and evil, the two worlds we see it now on the world stage where the world seems as if it is divided into two parallel universes with two types of people prospectives, which you see obvious in the news. 

Sometimes when I think about the ruling party in China because the minister of foreign affairs is now in my country  I think it's a shame what we hear about the policies to erase the Chinese heritage and change the identity of china which is one of the oldest civilization in history beside Egyptian.

Most of the time I was highly affected by the old Chinese books and Confucius and Tao Tzu heritage of wisdom.  The strange thing is that I found Americans to study these principles and translate them to English in a way that was more understandable to foreigners than its original script.

Anyway, Victor Frankl in some time really gave meaning to my life ^^.

18/7/2021

   

In the isolation of my warm home.

Looking back on the last 11 years of my life it just showed me that nothing I have lost or gone from my life will ever come back. because I lost it systemically. I lost my self-worth for so long and it was the only thing I dare to say I gained it back and locked it inside.

I lost all my friends and was filled with lots of scars from betrayals for such a long period to a level that I don't believe in Friendship anymore, I may believe in the common interest, and I may believe that there are levels to human bad and aggressive behavior based on the way he is raised and the level of his education, I may believe in mutual respect,  yet it's very bad to feel this bad when someone calls me a friend or my friend in a such primitive and tribal community where everything is working only based on relations and friendships.

As for Love I rather believe in respect than Love cause respect means Love in a normal environment not in a bad environment and I feel kindness and honesty breed love regardless of background in normal humans. I also believe in sexual attraction but it seems to be playing less and less role here as I am feeling castrated in all aspects of the word in my country, emotionally, socially, and physically. 

something I really hate about myself now is that I gained the power to leave everything and never look back in less than 5 minutes, especially regarding Human relations because I don't believe anymore that humans are born good or that they really love to do good deeds unless for social love of appearances.

For a long time, I lost belief in Divine justice or Divine being and started going toward Darwin's theory,  yet there is a strange sweetness in having God believe in your heart and if I know something for sure is that there is nothing stable in life everything is changing and if the laws of physics were proven to be mistaken with each new scientific theory and new horizons like in the quantum computers and relativity theory, who dare to say that Darwin theory was all true. and actually, if I had to choose between living my life as if there is no God and in the end discovering that there is and living my life as if there is a God and in the end discovering after death that there isn't...I will choose the second Choice without hesitation .. simple logic of human behavior and feelings. Yet the main difference in my belief is that I totally believe in critical thinking and science power to create better earth and the future, but I don't believe in the good in humans that can make it work. I think what I wrote is neither accepted by Darwin's fans nor by religious enthusiastic, yet I always was alone in my opinions and alone in my decisions so it's ok.

A lot of times now  I think what's the point of publishing your opinion on some journal no one will see.

I will see, and I Don't care if people who see it can do more damage based on my personality analysis I think most of the real damage has been already done so there is nothing left to be afraid of by expressing your opinions. 

I think my brain in the last decade has been programmed unwillingly to expect the worst-case scenario when things go bad ..but the irony is that most of the time calculating for the worst-case scenario was the thing that saved me from really bad situations that I was totally alone in with no direct information what so ever to act correctly. let's just say I rather calculate for the worse and be mistaken than not take any action or plan and the worst really happened. call it dark realistic. 

Although I am deeply injured by everything that reminds me of this country yet I feel really well most of the time in the comfort of my house with my family with food and money and a roof over my head.

I don't mind it actually I really see it as a really good life yet, I become maybe annoyed when I see asshols with no background whatsoever and don't have 4 percent of the character or thinking that I have and never encountered anything from what I encountered in the last 15 years and everyone around me tries to push them up and up maybe just to annoy me while really doing Huge effort under the table to break me or put me down in an indirect way even socially ..some people may call this jealousy ..I don't call it this way as long I am condemned to Die socially ..physically and mentally intentionally indirectly.. I don't call it Jealousy I call it a prison with no walls with a really bad (prison keeper) ..(the thing I dislike the most about everything that reminded me of this country and people for the last 10 years). and try to be smartass or make me feel inferior ... it's not that I feel inferior yet I feel if it wasn't of my birthplace and roots and all the terribly aggressive and passive-aggressive people from both sides and all sides I encountered while I was trying to build my life I would have been in a much better place surrounded by real honest people loving people with real human relations and future or let's say have a real life. 

17/7/2021