In God We trust

I Was always fascinated by this sentence.. In God We trust printed on the 100 dollars bills in USA.. 

I always noticed the building that separates the sentence into two main sentences... as if it is a symbol of the state or the church intermediate with trusting God.. I don't want to talk about ilumminaties theories that is roaming the internet... but the truth being said that the united state is the country which have the  highest number of growing Christians in the world.. they even called it sometimes the country of God or the country of new religions... because let's be clear they have alot of new Christian branches that come up every couple of decades... any way they are in general true believers.. take aside the gangs or the bad parts of community.. but that country symbolized the Christians power in the world and separation of church and states and science for at least the last 150 years.. with it having the best and most brilliant minds of the world going there.. yet in (In God we trust) Doesn't fit there image in the world any more.. with all respect to their history.  but I found a very famous Jwish Rabbie called Simon Jacobson who I listen to alot.. because simply he talk about religious in scientific way and somehow he connect the need for believing in God with psychology... I like that... any way he talk alot about their community and history and he have one episode about this matter or this sentence... I always was really spectical about that untill I listened to this podcast.. no one ever put it in this way before and to be honest... after all I have been through.. and after the bad life in the last couple of years and for someone coming from my background and story... it will be horrible if I continue this life with the idea of God killed inside me  especially in UAE... maybe God does not exist... maybe we are monkies... maybe the people especially that were making my life difficult are correct.. but continue to live with out the idea of God existing is very very difficult for my background... thank you Rabbie I really appreciate the time you use to share your wisdom... ppl like me need that desperately. against the evil that they Incounter in this life with no country and no strong tribe protection in this desert.

link is here click to watch

In God We trust by Rabbie Simon

Stories from my life:The animal Zoo

It's simple.. life is a zoo.. humans are the animals... and law is the zoo keeper... then suddenly the zoo keeper dies and after his death the animals started eating and attacking each other's in a vicious way... some of them were predetors... some of them were born killers... others were Mamels... and some of them were like me... not interested in the hunt.. but they saw all of them hunting them... so they evolved... they didn't evolve fast enough because the wild is not fair.. but evolved fast enough to make a damag in the Zoo that all the other animals who were alive in that time couldn't ignore.. they remembered that small unknown animal going wild for minutes that felt like iternity.... eventually the small animal out of the cage with no reall support or enough equipped weapons by nature Got killed and he end up at the stomach of a whale of the big bad whales... yet his dead body didn't prevent his presence... not soul because animals don't have souls.. his presence still remembered by those animals which were alive and witnessed everything... then crazy human came and wanted to clone that animal... to make  him his pet.. yet the cloned animal couldn't forget... although his memories are not his real memories because he is cloned.. yet it seems that he still remember those who killed him.. how they ate him.. their ways of hunting... and he was left in the woods to fight until his death... it seems even after putting the clone animal in the Zoo... he couldn't forget the savage way that led him into that road and the other animals who teared him apart... yet he had very big grudge toward two particular types... the keeper of the zoo who allowed things to become this bad and enjoyed seeing the animals killing each other .. and the  animals which used to attack in groups under specific ordered and reliable information... because he remembered all those times he stood his ground with his back against the wall and no other animal cared...and he couldn't forget the others.. them.. those who they risked so much just to make him survive the night.. and he felt worst case scenario was because the worst ppl who do him wrong were from his kind the same kind... 

feelings that I shouldn't tell any one about

عن تحطيم المواهب في دول الخليج وتحديدا في الامارات لم يخطر ببالي ابدا اني سوف اصل الى اماره السعاده تلك التي يدعونها الإمارات واحاول ان أبدا حياه جديده هناك منذ كنت طفلا كنت احلم بالنجاح.. احلم به وبشده.. ومره بعد مره اتفوق على حدودي واقفز فوق تطلعات الآخرين واحقق أهدافي.. بدأ ذلك عندما كنت صغيرا في المدرسه.. وأعدت ذلك عندما ذهبت إلى الجامعه لسنوات عديده وفعلت ذاك في الجامعه كمدرس... وخلال فترات طويله من حياتي كنت مدعاة سخريه... من اني لن استطيع تحقيق هذا الهدف او ذاك أبتداء من أبسط الأمور في الدراسه الجامعيه.. انتهاء بكل العراقيل المستحيله في وجه دراساتي العليا والدكتوراه... وكنت دوما استطيع ان أنجح في آخر ثانيه اخبئ كل قوتي إلى الثانيه الاخيره ولا أظهرها ابدا حتى لحظه الحسم وعدت الى سوريا لاتفاجأ بقوانين جديده لا تسمح لك بالتفكير.. ولا تسمح لك بالأحلام.. لا تسمح لك بأن تعتبر شخصا بل تسمح لك فقط أن تكون مواطن مسحوق.. مسحوق من النظام الذي لا يهتم إلا بمصالح قله قليله جدا لها كل شي ولغيرها لا شيء وهذه الفئه القليله تستبيح كل شي في محيطها من وسطها ووسط غيرها ومسحوق من اكثريه حاقده على نظام قهري تنظر بنظره فوقيه حقيره لأولئك الذين يعيشون خارج سياج السلطه وتنتقم من أولئك الذين يتركون خارج الدائره الضيقه للسلطه.... بابشع الطرق لعدم قدرتهم على الوصول لأولئك المتنفذين.. وبين كل هؤلاء كنت انا... وقد استطعت ان اخلق جوا خاص بي كان لدي منزل صغير في العاصمه... اجلس وحيدا كل يوم اقرأ من مكتبتي.. واتعلم من أولئك المعلمين الذين لم يسمح لي التاريخ يوما ان ألقاهم.... وبينما انا هناك كان لدي اكبر الأساسيات المهمه مكان لانام فيه... حتى وان كان احيانا خصوصا في دمشق ٨٦ يبدو مثل معتقل لا يسمح لي فيه بالتحدث مع أي من الأشخاص المثقفين مثل انفرادي بدون اي تفاعل بشري وبعنصريه مطلقه تستتر بشتى انواع الحجج والأفلام الأخلاقيه وما يدعونه احترام او اي من هذه الأخلاق الزائفه التي يتحججون فيها في وطننا العربي. ومن هناك أدركت اني لن استطيع المتابعه.. فلم يكن من الممكن أن ارتبط حتى وكأن الاقتراب من أنثى في ذلك البلد كان مدعاة لسخط وسفاله البلاد كلها... عندما عدت الى تلك البلاد المدمره أردت أن ابني عائله حياه طبيعيه ودخل مقبول... اعيش فيه حياة هادئه وكل ما أخذته منها ه أمراض نفسيه وقلب اسود اصبحت معه لا استطيع احيانا ان أشعر بوجود اله لان الههم كان مال الغني وسلطه المتنفذ عنصريه رجال الدين والفلتان الامني بالشوارع المدعوم من جنرالات الدم جنرالات الحرب والمال.. وهنا وصلت إلى الإمارات السعاده... و استطيع القول بلا شك وبلا اي تردد اني لم احظ ثانيه واحده من الاستقرار منذ وطئتها قدمي... منذ دخلتها احس بأهل هذه البلاد أو من يتحكم بهم يعاملوني كمجرم.... يعاملوني كأني شخص قادم من الشوارع.. شخص غير مثقف شخص غبي سافل... شخص لم يتلق حتى تعليم ابتدائي.. يعاملوني كشخص من أولئك المنبوذين بالهند الذين ليس لهم أي حق من الحقوق حتى الاقامه بغض النظر ع العمل..... يا رعاع الأرض الذين قابلتهم في الامارات.. يا سفله الأرض... انا شخص من عائله مقتدره... من عائله متعلمه من وسط مثقف مختلف عن ربكم العنصري السافل في هذه البلاد... يا رعاع الأرض يا أرباب المال يا أرباب الجنس ويا أرباب الاديان المزيفه..... لم أستطع ان ابقى في غرفه او تخت لمده تزيد عن ٢٠ يوم منذ وصولي الي هذه الأرض العنصريه... طردت مرارا وتكرارا باسفل واتفه الحجج... تم نعتي باسوء الصفات من تفتخرن بعربيته.... لا يصل إلى تفكير رجلي اكبر رجل من اولئك الذين طردوني مرارا وتكرارا لا يصل إلى ربع اسلوب تفكيري كل أولئك الذين منعوني من العمل في هذه البلاد وتحججو بأشياء لا يملكونها.. أولئك الذين اصرو على جعلي سافلا منحطا غير مثقف سوقي مثل ربهم وحياتهم السافله التي يعيشونها... فليذهب ربكم الى جحيمي... وليذهب برود اعصابكم الى جحيمي... وليذهب مالكم الى محارق هتلر... عساه يقوم من قبره ويتعامل مع عنصريتكم بعنصريه تستطيع استيعاب مدا سفالتكم . .هل تعتقدون ان هناك شخص يستطيع العيش منفردا كل هذا الوقت دون كره الهتكم... ان يهان كل هذه المرات بينما يرا أصحاب العقول الفارغه والشخصيات الحقيره يحصلون على كل شيءبينما اولاد الناس يهانون هكذا.. اولاد العلم والمتعلمون والمثقفون يرمون بالشوارع بحجج واهيه العاب نفسيه لا يلعبها الاالمختلون عقليا.. وكل أولئك العاهرات وكل اولئك التافهين في مدينه الخطيئه التي تدعي انها الجنه... وكل ذلك الظلم في رمضان... اتذكر كل ذلك التهريج في رمضان والعنصريه التي أحسست بها مضاعفه في ذلك لشهر والرمي في الشارع... كل تلك الحروب التي كانت تشن كل يوم في الشوارع... كل تلك العنصريه من أكبر من في هذه البلاد... وكل تلك الأيام التي قابلت أناس يتفاجؤن من قدرتي على التكلم بالانكليزي او العربيه حتى... انا متأكد ان من فعل هذا وحضر الأرضيه لهذا سوري عنصري من اي مكان كان..لان الآخرين استثنائي اخدو فرصتهم هنا . ولاني بمجرد ان اكون في وسط عربي أو وسط سوري احس بعنصريه رهيبه بالتالي لم يكن لدي أي فرصه قبل الوصول هنا لأن العنصريه متأصله في النفوس قبل وصولي هنا.. اريد فقط أغادر قبل أن اقتل أحدا في هذه البلاد العنصريه السافله اكثر من سوريا... أشعر بشعور سيء جدا عندما اسمعهم يتحدثون... أشعر بغضب شديد عندما اسمعهم ينافقون... لا استطيع التعامل مع مشاعري في هذه البلاد عندما اسمعهم على الرغم من ادراكي التام ان الجميع يحاول استغلال مشاعري عندما اتكلم عنها وعلى رأسهم من يتكلم لغتي... لربما لهذا استطيع ان اصمت عده ايام متتاليه من دون تحدث.. لا استطيع السيطره اكثر من هذا على مشاعر كرهي وغضبي على تلك العنصريه اللتي أوصلتني هنا أو على كل أولئك المتكبرين المتعجرفين ونظرتهم وابتزازهم الدائم لي وخصوصا السوريين والعرب منهم... يوما ما سأنفجر ولن يكون ذلك جميلا....قد راهنت وخسرت يجب عليي كان ان اجمع ما استطعت بما بعثه تاكومي واغادر وكر الحقاره هذا ولكني لم أفعل لسبب لا أعرف ما هو بعد... وكلما ازداد الوقت الذي اقضيه وحيدا او بين أشخاص لا استطيع التحدث معهم يزداد السواد في داخلي. بعد سبع شهور في هذه البلاد وبعد ذلك الرهان الخاطئ على ما رايته في هذه المدينه اريد فقط أن اتوقف عن حمل كل هذا الكره في داخلي تجاه من سرقو (الله) من داخلي... لم أعد قادرا على التعامل مع مشاعري او مع أولئك الذين يطلبون من أن أكون عادي واتعامل ببرود و ايجابيه معها... او مع أولئك الذين لا يزالون يناقشون صحه ما حدث من عدم صحته. إن كل قطره دم تنبض في جسدي تفيض بكره جسدي الفاني لا يستطيع استيعابه... ولكن منذ كنت في إيران ويوم وضعت السلام عليك يا ابو عبدالله فوق الجميع.. كان لأذكر انه حتى أولئك الذين يستطيعون الوصول إلى العرش ال شاكرا الملوك والأنبياء جميعهم قتلو او ماتو في النهايه... وان الموت فوق الجميع وانه لا يفرق بين ملك او عادي او بين غني وفقير وناجح وفاشل لقد كان التذكير النهائي بأنه عندما تتخذ قرار بأي اتجاه وتتخذ اي قرار تذكر انه مهما علوت فإن الموت لأشرف الناس كان فوق الجميع... بغض النظر عن سطحيه تفكيرهم هنا وهناك... وصمتي القاتل... لهون انا عم بحكي ...

Morning thoughts

Have you ever been lost in another world where everything that you once knew is gone? you try too hard to grab the few memories you still have, the few good memories that you try to recall in each little chance but you discover that you don't live there anymore. Have you ever been so fast that the only thing this speed allows you to do is see to the hidden faces of people behind masks? everyone is fighting for something. Some people fight for money because they couldn't get it, or simply because they are too greedy, some people are fighting for power simply because they want to control, some people are fighting for their families, and some people are fighting because of their belief system, some people are fighting because of all the injustice they felt and the hate which was escalating inside because of all the mistreatment. but the most dangerous type is those who fight because fighting is all that they ever knew. it's just because they were in too many battles that they stopped thinking about why they are fighting. those are the most destructive type. It seems that there is power in the hand of the people and this power instead of being used to make their life and their leaders better, it is being used to fuck each other. As if the famous saying that the commons can't make good decisions or that people need someone to control them is true. it seems that the famous misconception that some people can't do or can't learn because of being from a lower class, differnt relegious or raised in a different way is true, maybe its true despite i don't want to beleive it, but in the rais of AI , bioengineering and human machine interface this will be irrelevant. yet I have seen enough in my life to understand this is not the true case. I have seen people that can't speak and just because they are from a good family they were trained to become very good speakers, I have seen very shy men become very outgoing and trained in a way that made them monsters in social life, just because they wanted them this way, or came from a group or place that should have this superpower. but I also saw men and women who had everything they needed to be very successful but been broken by the system systemically inside the law frame. I have seen also very good women turning to bitches because they didn't have a choice or they lost belief in the justice of God. I have seen also very strong believers turn from one side to the other. and it seems that it was inevitable that bitches, sychopath, and assholes are destined to rule over us. and at some point you start to say enough is enough, i have had enough of that...didn't we all been there. i want to go in that direction .. that direction that made bitches have power more than decent women, that direction which made unworthy assholes become so much success and have so much social power that it's difficult to distinguish them from real genuine leaders, and even holy men. in those minutes of life, you start to wonder, what is religious, what is wrong and what is right, who can judge what is good morals and what is not, and if god's words have been twisted so many times through history is it wise to follow those people who were programmed in a certain way to tell us what is right and what is wrong. and even if some people belief in God is so powerful and unshakeable because of their programming since they were children, is it really wise to think we are the only ones going to god kingdom or heaven. the more you read through history the more you start to doubt the need for alot of things, the more you start to doubt the origins story, if all this shit with all this open connected world can happen in this advanced age, just imagine what could have happened in the time kings had power over people as gods, imagine what could happen when no one used to speak the truth about what really happened in the dark. it's really bad to see right through people's words and thoughts because it makes you understand that the most dangerous predators on earth are humans. but the difference between humans and animals is that usually animales at least from the same species don't kill each other, a lot of them even predators don't attack each other, and even if they attack each other they stop before killing each other. but humans don't do that. they can kill each other, they can eat each other, and gives you a very logical explanation for that. i think this is the main problem, is that they can explain that logically, usually the strong in the animal kingdom don't have to explain himself, yet i like those people who when they know when there is no point of explaining they just don't. everything i see in here and through my travelers just indicates that there is a revelation of the people who were distant to be slaves without knowing that, yet the strange idea is that despite that they know, and despite they are given a lot of their freedom it seems that they just want to stay in their comfortables boxes, where they only question their very close environment without questioning anything that they didn't know or see. well, i might have lost the battle of life. I am 38 years old now, I dont have a job, i dont have money, I don't have any friends that i can count on, and i don't have a family or even a girlfriend I spend abig part of my life studying for nothing, and i am alone in a differnt country, i also lost my beleive system of god and in humanity, the only time I had sex in 7 years is with a bitch because I was in a situatinon i started to doubt my orintation and even being human because i needed a female human touch after I spent so long time alone and trying to be a good man and trying to redeem my past mistakes because in my naiive mind I really wanted to go to heaven ....but there is a time when you say enough is enough, because i really can't understand anymore what God or what religious they are talking about.....and the main problem is that I really don't like and don't agree with those who say that we are only monkies,, it seems i can't get along with those also. Despite Losing my old life i just don't know where i am getting all this confident from in analysing my surrounding.

Never thought I will still be standing...

Although I am still standing.... But I can't stress enough of how much my life was bad in the last couple of years... And the problem is that the more I go deep into the rabbit hole..and wonder land.... . The more I think about submitting a refuge demand to Mars maybe I can find happiness there.. If they accepted my refuge application .. First time I understand why Ellon Musk is insisting this much on going to Mars...

one of my memories in Syria

 Two years have passed since I had left Japan. In these two years, I have left so many dreams behind that I can’t count. I came to see my country in a new light; I saw all the darkness and light in it. And I am not being cynical when I say all I have done in these two years is to observe my fellow men under new light after my Japan experience and personal experience abroad. What seems to them very important seems to me irrelevant. When I see how they get mad or angry about some things and totally miss the things that are important .things that is eating our country alive from the inside. When I see the amount of pessimism in everyone talk and I can now get it after two years. When I see the number of assholes with no human compass what so ever who have acquired money and power in different communities and how most of the scientifically and good sensed people with a high sense of justice and humanity have been washed to shadow and no one listens to them. How the communities become so much absorbed in their everyday needs and can’t feel or understand anything different from their perspective, and how I become dull not feeling as if I was catching the new disease of this country after the war. When I remember my mother as part of a full generation of mothers, which beg their children never to speak the wrong they see. Never to interfere to stay walking under the umbrella of self-doubt, hoping one day everything will be alright only then I become sick of my optimism…..then suddenly I remember those nights I spend abroad the really cold ones... I remember the warmth of home and my family laughs. I remember how always I was busy never to feel that anything I do is enough in Japan, and how here I don’t care and my compass is my inner self, that I am doing everything I can to be honest to my work, to my life regardless of the results. I still remember the first time I read the quote by Frederick Douglass that said (when you will learn how to read you will become forever free). How does it hit me like a storm? Like a lightning ball. how many nights I sat thinking that I will read all the books I want when I come back to Syria and let the world laugh on my naïve … it was then I knew I never will be ever the same. These countless hours I sat reading things no one ever here cares about will be my definition of happiness. It’s my weapon in a world trying always to change me to be something I am not..to something you know inside its not you.  In these minutes sitting reading alone I feel total freedom to be whoever I want to be.the freedom to sit with the most brilliant minds in history. To discuss their opinions without anyone to interfere, without the need for anyone else. I always thought if I only have a mentor. Someone older than me to just sit and ask his opinion about different things in life, someone more knowledgeable with a nice spirit, that is true, only then my life will be perfect. Yet I never thought that I will have all these mentors. All these older friends in different books. I started to feel with every good book I finish that I lose a good friend, and I do the best I can to save it in a place I will never lose and can come back later to take his advice. Now after these two years although on a professional level in Syria for sure was worst. And although I knew from the start this was the price I will have to pay when I come back to a country with no future in sight. Yet it was the price I am willing to pay happily to be the human I am today. The human I planned to become. The one who feel this happiness when he is sitting alone with a book in a room. Fuck all your money and fancy things world.  I never felt more happy to be alone with this small family I have, with all these mentors who never disappoint me, and always succeed to surprise me with their ideas even in the worst place to be as described by the world media to make a future.      

🖤

 

When something in your heart and all the signs around you tells you that the only true man who was really honest toward you ....and was there for you when you really needed him is no longer here. No longer in this world either physically or mentally...and when something really deep inside knows it's the truth and you wish from all your heart your wrong but your not ....then you don't give a  fuck about all the rest ....🖕🤘and as natsuki used to say ...although I know I am fucked ......Go fuck your self you fucking assholes.........my asshole is so big now that I don't give a fuck about anything you do .......

I saved my last and most dirty post for the last while I am in the city that I know someone from it killed the real true man ..........

it was all for you .....the only true man that believed in me despite I didn't really know him .....Thank you ...